So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
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