Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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