i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
