You were right. It hurts to walk today.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
