i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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