Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize