i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
