the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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