apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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