he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
