She went from zero to smokin in five shots
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Randomize
