My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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