if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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