he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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