im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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