I haven't been this sober since birth.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
