Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
