I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
