get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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