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my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
The best revenge is premature balding
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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