Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
God gave him joint rollers for hands
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
