I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
