how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
