I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
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