she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
