dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
