I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
