everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
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my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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