If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
