I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
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