You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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