Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I didn't notice because vodka
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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