He disabled his match.com account in front of me
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
