I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Randomize
