A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
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