I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Randomize
