Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
