tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
