whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
