Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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