I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
