well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
