shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
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