I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Dating After Heartbreak
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.