Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
wow bdsm is so cute
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
