I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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