Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
