My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Randomize
