Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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