i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
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