I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
