My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
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