I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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