Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
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