I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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