Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Randomize
