theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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