WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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