I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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