Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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